I changed the name of my blog today! As you can probably see, I decided to use a bit of brain-power and ditch ‘Natalie’s Blog’ for something a bit more creative and personal. So I chose to use ‘Chatalie the Natabox’ – something that reminds me of my childhood and the way I used to be.
I say ‘the way I used to be’ because even though a lot of my friends and family tell me time and time again how I have a tendency to waffle, I find that I have lost a bit of this in myself, especially when talking in public. It does make me question whether or not that’s why I love to write. I can type or jot down everything I’m thinking and feeling in one moment and happily hide behind the words I have written. Saying them out loud is a totally different matter – that takes far more guts.
I was dubbed ‘Chatalie the Natabox’ at my primary school by my best friends. As the name suggests, I would just talk and talk and talk till I drove people crazy, and I soon found it the norm to be referred to as ‘Chatalie’ or ‘Chatty Natty’, simply because it fit so well and people used it all the time.
It wasn’t until I began secondary school that I found my confidence soon diminishing and I have always wondered why this was, whether it was one thing, or a number of different factors which built up slowly over time. Either way, I found myself becoming more shy, unable to find the confidence to speak up in class and in front of big audiences. In social situations I would comfortably sit and listen to the conversation in front of me without contributing much at all, because I always felt I had nothing interesting to say. After all, I considered most people to be far more interesting than me full stop. ‘Chatalie the Natabox’ had slipped away and I had barely even realised it.
Lack of confidence is still something I suffer with today. I struggle to express myself and my opinions in the fear that I’ll be disagreed or argued with, or laughed and mocked, which is stupid in reality. I shouldn’t give a damn what other people think – nobody should – but I always do even though I wish I didn’t. Being yourself around people you’ve never met before can be tough, but nobody will appreciate you in the way that they should if you don’t love who you are in the way that you should.
I have always been a little bit too scared to blog publicly in case people judged me and thought I was a bad writer. After all, writing is the only thing I have. It’s the only thing that I believe myself to be good at. If someone were to take that away from me, what would I have?
But I’ve decided to go crazy and take a risk. If I’m going to be a successful writer, my writing has to be read. So happy reading, and please, don’t criticise too harshly. ‘Chatalie the Natabox’ is finally making a comeback!